As the Muslim ummah struggles to deal with the harsh realities of a complex and hostile world which changes by leaps and bounds daily, never far from our thoughts is the great question of Q. The enigma of Q-News - its mysterious appellation of origin unknown - has occupied many great minds, not mention countless small minds and the minds of nobodies.
If you ask anyone at the office of Q-News, no doubt you will be met with a knowing smile and a wall of silence. Don't be fooled! They have even less idea that you what the Q stands for, if indeed it stands for anything at all.
I have no personal interest in this matter, but felt it my duty to relieve my Muslim brothers and sisters from the great anxiety and frustration of ignorance. Moreover, I recognised it was time to peel away the near Masonic secrecy drawn over the matter by the esteemed editor.
My research first took me back in time to the community of Qumran at the edge of the Dead Sea. An ancient writer records:
The teacher called all men of age,
And warned of matters yet to come,
Of the Priest and the Liar,
Of darkness of earth;
And light to follow whose sign is Q...
This was a promising start, so I pressed on. I chanced upon the famed Bayeux Tapestry, all 231 feet of it. Along its great length unfolds the story of the great Norman conquests. A little over half way I spotted the regal figure of William the Conqueror himself, depicted reading from a scroll, the only distinguishing feature of which was a small but perfectly formed Q .
Even by then, it seemed, the pedigree of Q was soundly established. Further long hours of study at the British Library revealed hundreds, if not thousands of references: Chaucer, Aristotle, Shakespeare, Marx, to name but a few. Yet what was its origin?
An early attempt by Einstein to understand the intricacies of the universe had led him to conclude: "There can be relatively little doubt that the very nature of time is expressed in the equation of matter and light: Q=mc2."
Only later did he modify this, determined as he was to incorporate in his crowning equation the first letter of his name.
I have spoken to several informed sources (which naturally I cannot name), and discovered that the very foundation of Q-News was embroiled in controversy over its name:
"We argued deep into the night, with little sign of agreement. The choice eventually narrowed down to four: The Muslim Sun, Muslim Eye, The Economist and P-News. No one seemed willing to given an inch, until Mr X [identity protected for legal reasons] boldly offered to compromise on P-News, offering instead the newer fresher, Q-News. We could not resist..."
This dark figure, until then a sinister shadow with only a hint of editorial promise, at a stroke moulded the future of the popularist Muslim media. It was no chance offering, but rather a calculated coup of the outmost significance.
Past employees of Q-News are loath to discuss the deeper meaning of Q, and go to extraordinary lengths to avoid the subject. But my persistence is not to be underestimated. With the aid of a carefully concealed microphone I managed to extract a few terrifying details:
"I was in the office when 'he who must be obeyed' summoned me. His dark eyes burnt into me, and I knew he could see my hands trembling. Before long he began to tell me of Q until I thought I could not bear it any longer. I had never dreamt of matters the like of which he spoke. The meaning of Q then was..."
Unfortunately, at this point the batteries of my voice-activated Sony walkman recorder went flat. Suffice to say the tales included Bible scholars and Star Trek writers, champions of history and special appearances by Spike Milligan.
No tale should be left untold: it is now time to lay bare the facts for all to see. From this day forward all innocence will be lost. There will be little time left for Muslims to talk of. I only hope and pray that the cutting hands of the editor does not fall in censorship upon the paragraph yet to come.
(Sorry, but some tales are best left untold. Ed.)
Q-Anonymous
